Inadequate

I just got to thinking about my education, my schooling, my life. And I felt so inadequate. I don't feel like I know enough, am smart enough, am where I should be with my schooling. I started crying I was so mad at myself. I told myself I hadn't done anything I expected myself to. I haven't reached the goals I set for myself. I wrote out lists of ideas of things to learn and do, and I haven't done them. And I regret it so much, because there is SO much I could be doing, could've done. I wasted time. And I feel like crap.
So know I have to go back and think of all the things I have done, all the things I've learned. I have to write them down, evaluate, talk, and think about them. Ask if I have indeed, learned anything worth learning. If I am at a point where I can say I'm educated, if I am able to function in society successfully with the education I have. If not, I need to write out how I can get there. I SO want to learn! I so want to know, to grow, to use the time and opportunities that I have and feel accomplished. To feel like I know something. To say that I was successful in school. I keep pretending. I keep telling people that I'm doing good, school's going well. In all actuality, it might be, but I don't feel like it is. I feel like I've done nothing. I do not want to go back to highschool, I do not wish I was there. I just wish I was accountable, and responsible. I wish I was motivated and did all of the AMAZING things that I could do. I need to get there. I don't know how, but that is where I have to get to. I need to know that I'm not a failure.
The next step is to figure that out, to write down what I have and compile it into some portfolio, some format. I need to finish the projects I started, and write down what I have learned from them. Then I need to finish what I still need to learn. I can't keep pretending and feeling like I am going nowhere!